Diaries From H1Z1: The Apocalypse Cometh

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Generations from now, humanity’s survivors will look back and wonder how did we fail? What caused the virus that wiped out 90% of the world’s population? Was it a plague, disease, or wrath of god? No. The fall of society came when Taylor Swift announced that she was retiring from music and would only release further albums in the form of Kidz Bop covers. The fabric of reality tore, civilizations fell, and Nancy Grace’s show was cancelled. I suppose the news isn’t all bad.

I wake up in the middle of nowhere, nothing on my person but a flashlight and the clothes on my back. I don’t know how I got here. I head up to the house down the road to find some food or a weapon to defend myself with. Maybe I can salvage some AA batteries to get my Gameboy working again. All I need is a trustworthy person and I can trade my Kadabra so he’ll evolve into an Alakazam.

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It starts raining, heavily. The house turns out empty, but the rain muffles the sound of my feet as I pass by a large congregation of Taylor Swift fans. I can hear them moaning, “whyyyy.” They cannot be saved, they are driven by an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

Further down the road I come across a small block of houses. In the first building I enter, I find a machete. The tool not the film. Otherwise this area is pretty much devoid of stuff. Either it was ransacked by other survivors or the townspeople were incredibly poor. They must have spent all of their money on the numerous sedans lining the street.

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I realize that I’m becoming very thirsty. It doesn’t occur to me to look upward with my mouth open, given the rain is now in a full-fledged downpour. I could also suck on the sleeve of my shirt for nourishment, but I haven’t bathed in two weeks and the water is being repelled by the accumulated oils. I need to find something to eat.

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Sjoberg’s Mandarin Oranges, my old nemesis. Sjoberg prided himself on being the first food manufacturer with “on-can DLC.” I don’t even know what that means, but there wasn’t much sympathy when old Sjoberg died at a Two Live Crew concert from a bad batch of hollandaise sauce.

In the next house over I find an AR15 on the toilet in the bathroom.

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Finally, the house of a sane person. I always kept a loaded pistol sitting on the commode in case someone broke in while I was dropping an orphan off in the woods. The gun doesn’t have any bullets.

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It’s about time for me to sign off for now. I’m hungry, thirsty, and loaded to the teeth with useless weaponry. Hopefully next time around I’ll be able to eat my shirt.

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