Last Week On Steam: Slightly Less Rancid Shrimp Edition

Digging through Steam’s weekly release list is like being a septic worker, only more people appreciate what their septic worker does for them. If you can’t tell, it’s not a column I like to spend too much time on because it makes me want to pick up the phone and call my mom and ask why she had to have me, but that’s not what we are here for.

Roughly 275 games were listed on to Steam in the week between August 25 and August 31. Nothing in this list is meant to be a recommendation unless I specifically say that I am recommending the title. Otherwise it is merely a list of games that by my own tastes do not look like an absolute waste of time and money. There are no hentai puzzle sliders, RPG Maker games, or Unity asset flips here. I will not shill your early access title, nor will this list feature games that look like they were made in Flash, ported from mobile phones, and definitely if it doesn’t support English.

If you want the Steam list whittled down to something more manageable, this list is for you. If not, feel free to not read it. The fact that I’m not hosting the images on this server and publishing this at 2a.m. should tell you everything.

#1: Crazy Driver (SRS Games) $.99

Crazy Driver looks like a game from my childhood, at least in the sense that the description makes it sound a lot like the endless mode in Driver. I loved Driver, and seeing how long I could keep my car from being totaled by the police while driving around a very quiet city seemed like the recipe for greatness back in 1999, a good two years before Grand Theft Auto 3 launched.

The cars in this game also look like Micro Machines, so double that nostalgia and stick it right into my veins. Oh and the game runs one whole dollar.

#2: The Castle (Ishtar Games, Inc.) $5.99

I’m not fully convinced that The Castle isn’t some long lost title from the MS DOS days, but Ishtar Games says that it’s a recently developed game and I’m not sure why anyone would lie about that. You’ll need to recruit a group of heroes among the list of available characters to explore a castle, find out its secrets, and most importantly give the stake and the rope to Peter. He knows what to do with it.

If you’re really dripping on that Tales From Monkey Island nostalgia juice and want something actually new to play, check out The Castle.

#3: River Legends: A Fly Fishing Adventure (Dantat Studio) $14.99

But Connor, I hear you shout into the void of space, I don’t want to be a DOS-era nun and have to click “use” before I use something. I want to be a dad and do things that dads do, like fish. Well this next game is right up your airspace.

River Legends is a game with no in-app purchases and no DLC, unlike other fishing games. Despite what the art style may imply, it’s also not one of those artsy-fartsy games that pretends to be one thing and then OH LORD IT’S TWISTED AND EVIL. It’s just fishing, and the four reviews are pretty happy with it. Go fishing, and catch some fish.

#4: Knights and Bikes (Foam Sword) $19.99

If Knights and Bikes looks like a Double Fine game, that’s because it is published by Double Fine. Some of its creators also developed Tearaway. Knights and Bikes looks adorable, it also has an oddly specific soundtrack about riding bikes. It stars two kids in what is referred to as a Goonies-style adventure.

The two new friends, along with their pet-goose and the pickled-head of an undead knight, form the Penfurzy Rebel Bicycle Club, and are ready for anything this adventure throws at them. They pedal into danger to face threats head-on with frisbees, water-balloons, video game controllers and the powerful beats of an amplified boom-box.

Did I mention there is couch co-op?

#5: Minoria (Bombservice) $17.99

I normally pass right by Metroidvania-looking games when looking at titles for this column, since they tend to be absolute trash. Minoria on the other hand immediately drew my attention with truly fantastic looking animation quality. Minoria is an action platformer game with witches, witchcraft, and low gravity that makes boobs bounce a lot. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Girl check out this body. She works out.

The animation quality alone has effectively sold me on this title.

#6: Wayward Souls (Rocketcat Games) $14.99

Yea, we’re going into the procedurally generated 16-bit roguelike games again. Don’t tell me you’ve gotten tired of the genre already!

But hey, this one comes to us from Rocketcat Games, a company that has actually made a name for itself with good quality games. Seven heroes, each with their own abilities, each available for you to take into the dungeon and slaughter countless monsters. What else could you possibly want out of your gaming life? Other than less microtransactions in Call of Duty and for nobody to mention Fortnite ever again anywhere.

#7: Hotel R’n’R (Wolf and Wood Interactive Ltd.) $19.99

I don’t think I have ever had my first impression of a game based on its graphics reversed to this extent and as quickly as it did with hotel R’n’R. Despite your character having disgustingly long and thin arms, Hotel R’n’R is a destruction-based physics game where you take on the role of a failed musician who happens to make a deal with the devil. In return for fame, fortune, and untouchable talent with the musical instrument, all you need to do is smash up a few hotel rooms. In short, you’re just like any other heavy metal band from the 80’s.

Cocaine not included.

#8: Agent A: A Puzzle In Disguise (Yak & Co) $8.99

Agent A is probably a stretch, but I’ve just gone through several pages of utterly unsalvageable trash and frankly I’m just looking for something that looks close to palatable. It’s a puzzle game with a nice art style and interesting looking puzzles. Yes, it looks like an Esurance commercial and I’m not entirely convinced that it won’t end up selling you on simple, fast, and affordable rates.

#9: Blair Witch (Bloober Team) $26.99

I have a feeling that I know where Blair Witch is going, since games that play on the whole “hero with a heart of gold but a tormented mind and a violent past” also tend to throw their “child went missing” stories into the realm of “oh b-t-dubs, your character is totally the killer,” but I’m reserving my hopes that Bloober Team is more creative than that.

Being one of the few games that I have actually played on this list, I will heartily recommend Blair Witch from my first impressions of the games opening hours. One thing that sets this game apart and may turn some gamers off is the camera which actually has a use. You will find tapes that can be rewound in order to find clues and hopefully track down this missing brat. Also, Blair Witch has a handsome doggo that helps you find your way through the spooky woods. You can pet him.

If you have Xbox Game Pass, just download Blair Witch there for free.

#10: Timmy’s Cooking Show (Bmc Studio) $1.94

Normally I would tell you to avoid games like this, but the guy playing Timmy looks like he’s really not enjoying this food he’s cooking. Two bucks to watch a bunch of Canadian dorks putz about won’t give you much of a game, but just think of it this way: When the game ends you’re that much closer to the great sleep you’ll be looking forward to even more after sitting through a Bmc Studio game.

#11: Graveyard Defender (Kitty Cattus) $1.79

Did I list this game because of the developer’s name? No. It should be evident by now that I am a sucker for DOS-era stylized games. Protect your home from waves of zombies. Fourteen levels, less than the cost of whatever is $2 at McDonald’s nowadays.

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