Meta: I Now Have Majority Ownership Of Jagex

First order of business is to fire the Drunken Dwarf.

Good news everyone. Those of you who know me may be aware that I own the domain for jamflex.net, a.k.a a very important asset for Jagex, also known as those guys who allegedly develop and maintain RuneScape, aka I have nothing else to add to this. Jagex as you may also know is owned by Fukong Interactive Entertainment and that’s going to come into the conversation later on in this article.

Actually it’s going to come into the conversation now.

If you know I own the Jamflex.net domain, again very important asset, then you know that I am a big fan of cashmere sofas. I collect as many as my annual revenue and shared apartment space allows me to, absolutely zero. But a prospective collection is still a collection in my opinion. Last week I tried to buy a cashmere sofa from someone on ebay.co.uk whose username was listed as DB0RN3-06 and the sale didn’t go through because he was offering to sell to the US but wouldn’t ship and only accepted local pickup which makes no sense. He was also charging shipping.

Anyhow, I used my jamflex.net domain email and the next thing I know a cashmere sofa is careening through my front window with a note attached. The mailman stole the note when I showed it to him, but I did transcribe it.

Dear Connor,

Please consider selling us your domain Jamflex.net. I’m sure you can understand the importance of this domain coming back into our possession and the humiliation of Andrew Gower not renewing it in 2003. You can have literally whatever you want.

Thank you,
Jagex

I wanted a pastrami sandwich but was told that they don’t have those in England, so I opted for the second best thing: Controlling interest in Jagex as a corporation. My offer was accepted almost too enthusiastically if I’m being completely honest.

I’m sure RuneScape players and Jagex staff have a lot of questions about what this new ownership means. Will real money transactions be going away? No, I have plans on converting the cash shop to be dynamically priced on current beef rates under the working name “Veal Money Market.” Instead of free fruit for employees, I will be personally be making Palatschinke, which are basically Croatian crepes, everyday including weekends when most people are off where I will hand deliver them to your homes. I should note that this is not an optional employee benefit.

Runefest is now mostly comprised of Mod Raven dressed as Granny Potterington which I don’t think will cause much protest. We will also be reviving Hello Kitty Online. There are plenty more ideas in the works, so stay tuned.

And since I know people will be like “oh this is an April fool’s prank, you posted it on April 1st, you’re not clever or funny,” I have taken a legitimate photo of the stock certificate as signed to officiate the transaction. It was signed on what looks like a stock certificate template because it was. I’m not going to pay for a custom template, I’m not made of money (even if the company I now own is).

If you have some suggestions to make RuneScape more awesome, you can email me at my new executive position: omaliownsjagex@runescape.com. International charges may apply, and since I don’t know exactly where the email server is situated we’re just going to treat all emails as international. Just include your Venmo deets and the folks in billing will handle invoicing. Alternately you can send me Archaeology materials and we’ll call it even.

We’re going to have a lot of fun together folks.