Ways to avoid saying bad words to Epic CCO Donald Mustard.
We’ve all been there. You get bad news, maybe there’s some problems in your family and personal life, work got you down, the TV remote batteries have been removed to power an Xbox controller, the neighbor’s dog pooped on your sidewalk, or your team came basically dead last in a Fortnite tournament with millions of dollars on the line. Sometimes life is stressful, and you just want to vent that frustration by sending Epic Games CCO Donald Mustard a tweet telling him to kill himself.
Literally everyone has been in this situation.
There are a metric ton of alternatives to reduce stress that do not involve tweeting at Epic Games CCO Donald Mustard, but most people might not know that. Most of those alternatives won’t get your trios team disqualified from a Fortnite tournament. So because MMO Fallout is a place of learning, of loving, and of healing, I’ve decided to put my two functioning brain cells together and create a list of alternatives to toxic behavior.
1. Get Yourself A Screaming Box
It should be noted for posterity that the box in this instance is not what is doing the screaming. It also doesn’t need to be a box. A good old fashioned screaming box is the perfect ventilation tool for when you just need to be heard. One positive of this is that you don’t have to pay a thing, you can actually order shipping boxes for free from USPS and use one of those.
The method is very simple. You get a box or similar apparatus that can fit over your head. Place the object over your head, and scream. It doesn’t have to be coherent, or even words for that matter. Picture yourself a balloon full of particles of frustration, and let the air out until there is nothing left. Except oxygen. Don’t forget to breath. You’ll also want to avoid doing this in a public place like a Wendy’s or Urban Outfitters. Feel free to do so in a Kmart or NYC subway, nobody will really notice.
The screaming box can be replaced with a screaming pillow, an even better solution since you’re probably likely to own one or two of those already. Either way, the screaming implement lets you vent out your anger in a way that isn’t so much productive as it is less counterproductive than smashing a controller, getting into an angry confrontation with a loved one, or tweeting at Epic CCO Donald Mustard and getting disqualified from a Fortnite tournament.
2. Exercise Is Good For The Soul
If you’re the type that gets angered very easily while playing video games, why not turn that hate into Hulk? There’s a good reason General Mills rejects my annual application for slogan writer. Every time you die and want to punch a face, just do some sit ups or some jumping jacks. That’s the extent of my knowledge for workout routines but you can substitute your own ideas.
I actually used to work with a guy who got into shape by doing a set of reps every time he died in Fortnite. He has spent about a grand in Fortnite cosmetics and may be severely addicted to the game, but the point is he can lift his computer desk with one hand now. One problem at a time. He also calls me Tiny which makes me regret giving him life improvement advice.
3. Use The Draft Delete Method
The draft delete method is where you open notepad or some other non-internet-connected word program and write out an email or message as if you were writing it to its intended recipient. Once you’re done writing the message you can delete it or save it somewhere on your computer and pretend that you’ve sent it out. It’s like all the stress benefits of sending toxic comments to Epic Games CCO Donald Mustard without the disqualification from Fortnite tournaments and warranted ruining of your esports career. Unless you join FaZe.
All the joy with none of the repercussions. Because either way you can only really picture in your mind what the person’s reaction is upon seeing the message. So why not have your cake and eat it too. You can have your mental fantasy while at the same time not actually drawing the righteous fury of your teammates who have also been disqualified because you couldn’t keep your temper tempered.
4. Plagiarize A List Of Relaxation Techniques
There are a million lists on how to properly relax yourself on the internet, and frankly a lot of those ideas have been copied and pasted so many times that you could read a thousand lists and come up with the same techniques. So what better way to relax yourself on a Wednesday when the FedEx truck still hasn’t delivered your food than to go online and plagiarize a list of relaxation techniques? Because nothing says serotonin release like affirmation of your existence on Twitter.
You can even go somewhere obscure and then offer to pay the writer a few bucks to take their version down. Somewhere like Medium.com. Fiverr has a ton of writers who will take up a job for pennies on the dollar and then insert some vaguely hidden message about how the article was paid for because they know that lazy jerk Connor won’t actually read it before publishing. Just make the first three pieces normal and he won’t read anything past it.
Fortnite.
5. Bamboozle Your Readers
You know what type of feeling overwhelms anger? Confusion. The kind of confusion that you get when you’ve read a five step guide to reducing toxicity only to come to the realization that the author admitted to plagiarizing the list, only to read further and see that it might have been purchased off the internet, only for the final point to turn things around and confirm it’s all a ruse. By this point you don’t really know what is real, what is fiction, or whether or not I’ve been trolling you from the start or if this list began with honest intentions and went off the rail due to a lack of sleep and creativity.
The more I acknowledge the inconsistencies, the more inconsistent the whole thing gets. But on the other hand those anger feelings have probably been replaced by something else and if you’re like me you don’t remember what you were doing before you clicked this link. That feeling is likely a desire to bundle me up in a sack and throw me in the river. But while you’re doing that you won’t be sending toxic tweets to Epic CCO Donald Mustard. So we all win. Especially the sack.
But what do I know, I let sheep yogurt start to rot before I eat it.
MMO Fallout 