Hotcakes: 5 Better Investments Than Chronicles of Elyria

Save you time and money.

Hey everyone it’s me your favorite financial person who is not legally allowed to give financial advice and therefore would like to remind you that this is a satirical editorial and not financial advice. Let’s say you are a person looking for somewhere to invest your money. A video game, perhaps. Your grandkids love video games, especially that Fortfite, and it seems to be a solid industry. And at some point your browser sends you to the website for Chronicles of Elyria and you think “wow, this looks like a video game developed by a company. And they want investment. It’s a match made in heaven!”

Wrong. More like a match made in a Little Caesars clogged greasetrap.

There are worse things to invest your money in than Soulbound Studios and Chronicles of Elyria, even if I’m having a hard time coming up with a solid list. I suppose you could look at the idea that Chronicles of Elyria took in millions of dollars in funding and has basically nothing to show for it, is $500k in debt, and have a storied history of wasting backer money. Oh and the brand, company name, and Jeromy Walsh’s presence has immense negative value on the internet right now since most people hear Chronicles of Elyria and think “scam.”

So with that in mind, and because I’m a helpful person always looking to remedy a bad situation, I’ve created a list of things you can do with that money burning a hole in your pocket. For the sake of this article I’ll assume you have $100 thousand to invest.

1. 1,000 Orders Of Taco Bell TRUFF Fries (~$4,500)

What could be better than an order of loaded fries? A thousand of them.Taco Bell recently introduced Loaded TRUFF Fries, described as “Golden, crispy Nacho Fries covered in TRUFF sauce, marinated, grilled steak, nacho cheese sauce, cheddar cheese, tomatoes, and reduced-fat sour cream.” That sounds tasty. And for a mere $4,500 you can buy a thousand orders. You don’t even have to get them all at once. Space it out over a week or two.

A thousand orders of TRUFF Fries is filling, delicious, and unlike Chronicles of Elyria you’ll actually see a return on your investment. Ain’t nobody ever filed a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell over its fries, and that’s gotta mean something.

2. A Full Set Of Monster Truck Tires ($10,000)

A full set of Monster Truck tires will cost you roughly ten grand depending on where you buy them, the condition they are in, and whether you buy them all from the same dealer I guess. But they will cost you ten grand, a full 1/10th of your $100,000 investment kitty. You maybe asking yourself, Connor why would I want a full set of monster truck tires? To which I say, why not? Put them in your garage, that way whenever you have visitors over and they ask “oh wow do you own a monster truck” you can just laugh like it’s a stupidly obvious question without actually answering it.

Sure you don’t own the monster truck, but they’ll think you do. Otherwise, why own a complete set of monster truck tires? You’ll be the coolest guy at the company barbecue. And look at it this way, when you pay the guy at the counter the ten grand for a full set of monster truck tires, you’ll never have to worry about him showing up five years later and claiming he squandered the money. You’ll get your tires. I guarantee it.

3. Sky Mall Waterslide & Bouncy Castle ($1,800)

I know what you’re thinking, that is cool as hell. Also none of these suggestions so far offer a return on investment. Say no more my friend. I’d like to introduce you to the Sky Mall Waterslide and bouncy castle pack. Shockingly the most expensive versions I could find add up to $1,800 total. I thought Sky Mall was supposed to be expensive. Regardless, let’s keep going.

Here’s the idea; you rent out the waterslide and bouncy castle. Generally a bouncy castle rental will get you $300-400, but let’s face it; those bouncy castles suck compared to this beast. You put these up for rental and you’ll have people paying $400+ for the opportunity. You know what that means? Rent each one out three times and they’ve more than paid for themselves. That’s like a holiday weekend to get 100% ROI and kids have off all Summer. A hot summer and the bloc will be calling you Richie “I wish I had a bouncy castle” Rich Guy.

Why invest in something that will lose millions and still have no income source to show for it?

4. A Monster Truck ($70,000)

Let’s be fair, you knew this was coming when I mentioned the tires. A good used monster truck will run you seventy grand, leaving us about $88,500 in total costs so far. If you want to know the benefits of owning a monster truck, I will divert your questions to the photo of that monster truck and say no more.

Now let’s talk about ROI. You know who loves monster trucks? Kids and also adults. So where’s the money? Getting schools to pay you to bring the monster truck and show it to the kids. Taking stock photos of your monster truck and selling them on Shutterstock. Setting up the monster truck in a tourist trap and getting tourists to pay you for photos of them driving the monster truck and generally being cool in the vicinity of a monster truck. Sell $1 cheap sunglasses at an enormous markup because people will want to be wearing sunglasses when they get their photo taken sitting in a monster truck. Oh and you can sell hotdogs too. Make a whole business out of it, tourists love to spend money.

And if a tire pops, you know what? You already have a spare. Man I’m a genius.

5. MMO Fallout On Patreon

Let’s face it you all knew this was going to be #5. But yes, for a small monthly payment you too can fund MMO Fallout, the only website that gives you permission to buy a bouncy castle, a monster truck, and a thousand servings of delicious nacho fries in one go. Tell your spouse Connor said it’s all gravy. And to top it off you’ll have somewhere in the realm of ten grand or so left after all these purchases, I think. I’m saving you money.

I can however say that you can expect 100% honesty and transparency from this website. For example I will openly confirm that MMO Fallout will never release a finished MMO by the name of Chronicles of Elyria, which is more than some people are willing to admit. Check out MMO Fallout on Patreon. We barely ask for your money, and you can actually see where it’s going.

Otherwise I have no opinion on the matter.

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